meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
