apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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