somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Dicks are not precious.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
