It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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