Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
