Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize