Me. At least after what I've been through.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize