i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
