He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
