you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I'm passing your future prison.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
