Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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