He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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