life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize