I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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