ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
