Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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