A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
