i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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