Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
