You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
