Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
