best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
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