I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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