hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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