my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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