I cannot find my penis.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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