I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Randomize
