the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
