I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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