I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
