i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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