I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize