i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
