What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
