This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
