I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
