LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
40s are totally the cure
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
