Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
