I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
