She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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