My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
