I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
