I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Randomize
