I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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