I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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