he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
