Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
