I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
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