You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
