watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
