sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
