Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
