i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
