I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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