i'm signing you up for texting rehab
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
