But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
