The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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