Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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