apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
