How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
