I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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