I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
