I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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