I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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