She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
