You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
