Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
