So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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